Can There Be A Brighter Side to Divorce?

IS there a brighter side to divorce? Whether we like it or not, each of us will get confronted with the reality of this dreaded word either directly or indirectly through our friends’ or loved ones’ experiences. We might as well try to see the brighter side of it then rather than count the “what ifs” that can rob us of sleep and wits.

Of course, no dreamy-eyed bride or love-struck groom will even dare think about it— not until the first major argument, that is. Truth is, not everyone is lucky enough to be spared from the heartaches, the angst and anguish caused by betrayal, the anger, the utter sense of helplessness and insecurity coupled with a host of nerve-wracking thoughts associated with divorce. Then just when you thought you’re ready to move on, you’re confronted with yet another problem—the sense of void. Some call this “apathy” which renders you unable to trust, take a risk or care at all, and much less, love again.

So where’s the silver lining behind the dark, thunder and lightning or possibly, tornado-bearing cumulonimbus (which wouldn’t sound too strange even if you’d rename it “cumulodivorce”) clouds?

1. You will have the chance to meet someone really, really special—yourself.

In his book entitled The Disowned Self, psychologist Nathaniel Branden wrote, “Many people suffer from a sense of personal unreality, that they have lost touch with themselves, that too often they do not know what they feel, that they act with numb obliviousness to that which prompts or motivates their actions.”

Prior to divorce, married people have their identities tightly fused with their marital status. They tend to act, think and even feel in accordance to their roles within the marriage: as a mom or dad, as a wife or husband, as the provider or homemaker.

It’s like the real person within the actor in a play has been lost to the role he’s playing. When the play ends, that actor ends in limbo – not knowing who he is, where he is, what he should do next and why. Does this sound familiar? The upside to divorce, first and foremost then, is that you get to reclaim who you really are -- in short, your identity.

Women in general, tend to regard marriage as an end to itself; as the ultimate source of fulfillment; as the pinnacle of womanly existence particularly, after the birth of a child. With a man by her side and a baby on her breast, she sighs with contentment and tells herself, “Finally, I am a woman.” On the other hand, men in no time at all settle from marital bliss to a state where everything is done more as a force of habit than anything else. They may even keep tackling their manly roles within the marriage relationship with a tinge of resigned complacency.

Whether man or woman, each married individual subconsciously thrives on the approval or affirmation of his or her spouse. Conversely, either party’s sense of self worth can suffer when the significant other fails to nurture this inherent need for recognition. When that need remains unmet within the marriage relationship for a prolonged period (even when all other needs are met), there’s a great chance divorce will become inevitable.

Do you make marriage as the anchor that keeps you moored amidst life’s storms? If you do, think again or you might just find yourself “lost at sea” – a castaway feeling like a cast off clothing! Take heart though—there’s nothing wrong with being a “castaway” at least once in your life time. The idea has even inspired the making of a hit movie starring Tom Hanks. It can give you a lot of time to rediscover the inner you. You have very special qualities that make you unique (which attracted your ex-wife or ex-husband in the first place). So, are you divorced or about to be? It’s time you found meaning in life and affirm your inherently fine qualities or beauty—this time, through your own eyes and not through the eyes of other people.

2. Divorce is just one of the reasons we lose a loved one.

Next to death, studies point to divorce as the second most common and equally as devastating reason we lose someone dear to us. Just as we’re not supposed to vent our anger, badmouth or harbor bitterness towards a loved one who died for leaving us, so we need not do these to our former spouses.

Easier said than done? Yes. But then again, we have the choice to keep ruminating on the “what ifs” or just let go. When we gave our hearts to our spouses in marriage, we had hoped for a blissful union that would last a lifetime. An age old wedding vow ends with the phrase “till death us do part”. It used to be very popular but it has since been replaced by personalized wedding vows that implicitly end with “till divorce us do part”!

If given a choice, there are those who would rather lose a partner to death than be betrayed or fall out of love and end up seeking divorce. For most, death allows for closure but divorce only opens up deep wounds that could also include past hurts that antedate the marriage. Weep for a love lost as if death caused it if you must. And when all bitterness, anger or derision has subsided, you will find that your former spouse hasn’t been all that bad.

What’s good about losing someone due to divorce? Well, think of it this way: would you rather lose him or her to death? If you’re still going through it, you’d probably say yes (that’s perfectly normal, believe me—I often thought about it!) But if you stop long enough to weigh things, you’ll find that logistically, moving on with your life after a spouse’s death is a lot harder, especially with very young kids in tow. If such is the case, you’ll also find that amicably sharing parental duties is definitely much better than suddenly finding yourself a single parent while still coping with your own loss.

3. If you think divorce is bad, think about those who can’t get one because it’s not legal to do so according to the laws of their land.

Have you considered how it must be like for people who have had the misfortune of being legally bound to someone for life even when one party is abusive, irresponsible or blatantly unfaithful? Or have you ever heard of married men walking out of the house with at least five kids, never bothering to call to ask how their kids are doing or have the decency to give financial support?

That’s almost unthinkable for most but that’s very common in supposedly the only Christian nation in Asia—the Philippines. Clerics and moralists blame divorce for moral decay in the nations that permit it. What these well-meaning people do not tell the average Filipino is that most of these countries treat animals even more humanely than most Filipinos could ever hope to be treated.

In some western countries, a pet owner can be charged for starving his pet and possibly, even for overfeeding it. In the Philippines, you can starve your wife and kids for all you care and you can go scot-free. Although the country has a Family Code that has specific articles for the provision of needs of children and spouses after marriage annulment or legal separation, those two options (in lieu of divorce) are only sought by couples who are rich enough to pay for lawyers and spend at least a hundred thousand in local currency (double or triple that to speed up the process or you end up waiting for up to five years).

If you’re a woman and you think you’re in a bad shape because of divorce, well, just think of those kids loitering the streets of some Asian countries and all those women who either do odd jobs, beg or resort to prostitution just to be able to feed their kids. These are the victims of a flawed judicial system that either disallows divorce (thus spouse and child support laws do not exist) or fails to make sure court ordered child support terms are met or adhered to. If you’re a man, then be grateful you’re a citizen of a nation that grants you the chance to do what is right even after your marriage has been terminated.

Just a final Note

Choosing a lifetime partner is a major thing. And just like any other major life-changing decision, we could mess up on it because we might use the wrong set of standards on which our final choices are based. Of course, divorce is not a cure-all solution to troubles every married couple is bound to experience. The issue is not really how good or how bad divorce is, but when it becomes inevitable, we can opt to look at its brighter side. Professional help is available when you feel the need for it but ultimately, the road to recovery after a major psychological or emotional crisis starts within us.